"You're a Failure." - Bitch Voice

I failed. I failed #75HARD. I failed on Day 3 and allowed my "bitch voice" to diminish me for the past three days. To say I've been increasingly bitter and hard on myself if an understatement; I actually brought myself to a heaving, sobbing mess in the shower this morning. 

Remember when I mentioned that I was a bit fatigued on Day 2? Well, my failing began the morning of Day 3 when I forgot to set my alarm. I woke up with enough time to brush my teeth, apply some mascara to my puffy eyes, and run out the door to make it to work on-time. No morning workout, obviously. I wasn't too upset though. I had a hair coloring appointment directly after work and made plans to complete my first 45 minute workout when I got home. Then I would eat dinner and read my 10 pages of Can't Beat Me, and end the night with a 45 minute walk around my hometown. Everything was on schedule and I was feeling good, especially after my body was able to get a few extra hours of sleep.

Being an unsophisticated type of girl, I was so naive to think my hair coloring appointment would take about an hour or so to do. The clock ticked by as I sat waiting for my hair to balayage and then dye.  One hour. Two hours. Three hours. When my watch read four hours past when my appointment began and my stylist chirped, "Only 30 more minutes now!" I was silently cursing my stupidity. I've never had my hair colored this drastically, so I honestly had no clue. By the time I made it home it was close to 10:00pm -- a good 45 minutes after my usual bedtime. 

I had plans to begin anew on Thursday from Day 1. I wished I hadn't failed, but failing on Day 3 wasn't as big of a deal as if it had been Day 30 or Day 60. Right? 

I woke Thursday with gusto -- I nearly ran downstairs to hop on the treadmill and knock out my first workout of the day. However, my steam began to lack as the day moved forward. By 10:00am I was dragging and eyeing different food services that delivered to my workplace. Not only was my body tired, but I was hungry. 

With Nutrisystem, the first week is pretty strict. You stick to only Nutrisystem meals for the first 7 days, meaning you're eating at or around 1000 calories a day. I know, I know... super unhealthy. It's supposed to be a shock factor to your body though. Plus the foods tend to be heavy on gluten, something that does not benefit my body at all. I've been feeling extremely bloated this past week from being on the system. The portion control has been eye-opening, but I need to take into account what my body is telling me and adjust my diet.

So here I was, working out hard twice a day, eating 1000 calories, and having a hell of a visit from Aunt Flow. Something terrible was bound to happen sooner or later...

It so happened that around 3:00pm all the factors came to a head. One minute I was sitting at my desk, writing a grant. Then my vision began to collapse and I felt my head droop to the left, feeling excessively heavy to keep lifted. Next I knew I was on the ground, my swivel chair on top of me, and my suite mate standing in the doorway asking if I was okay. I made some lame excuse of trying to pick something off the ground, but in reality I had blacked out. I texted my husband and asked him to check in on me a bit later to ensure I was okay to drive home, but silently berated myself. 

I knew I was trying to do too much at once, but here I was, still upset I had failed #75HARD and now caused my body some physical trauma. 

You know what though? It's okay. I realize where I'm at and how hard I can push myself. I can complete #75HARD. I know I can. And I remain committed, even after a few days of self-deprecation and mental fatigue. Not listening to my bitch voice is not something I can just stop in a day's time... especially not after 28 years of allowing it to rule my mind. 

So tomorrow I begin again. Armed with the knowledge that I need to eat more calories to allow my body the nutrients to exercise more. My diet is going to shift to an 80/20 vegan clean eating plan. I'm continuing with Nutrisystem vegetarian options for the next month and adding protein smoothies into my morning routine to increase my calorie intake. No alcohol, obviously, either.

Except for tonight -- tonight I need a drink. 

With that, I'll say cheers, my friends. Tonight I'm going to enjoy a spur-of-the-moment girls' night with a friend and wine taste a bit, but tomorrow --- #75HARD Version 2.0 begins!